BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF SUPERMAN (Junkie Article)

By Reymundo Salao

I have been surfing a lot on the net lately and have been hovering by the message boards and online forums of cinema websites and have noticed a great deal of a clash of opinions towards the new Superman movie. It seems that although it has gained some praises from many critics, that impact is balanced by the somewhat similar percentage of people who hated the movie. It actually has taken quite a beating with bad reviews from respected film critics like Roger Ebert.

I, for one, also think (since my review last week was a bit mellow on the point) that it was indeed a really bad movie. Let me restate a quote from one of the forum-posters which I can agree with: “A 22-minute episode of the Superman Animated Series is WAY BETTER than the more-than-2-hours Superman Returns Movie” SUPERMAN RETURNS lacks balance. It’s a Superhero movie but it lacks the action, it strives to be innocent but it injects some slightly immoral values. It tries to boast a serious storyline, but it’s flooded by incredibly various childish plot-holes. It’s Superman but it feels like Super Soap Opera.

Here are some interesting and laughable errors and flaws of the movie. Some of these are parts of my draft from last week’s review, while some are taken from the internet. Perhaps you have thought of these too. (Contains Spoilers)

- We all know that Superman is the “boy scout” of all superheroes; he is supposed to stand for Truth, Justice, and all that is supposed to be Good… Yet in the movie, he excels in Cheating on Lois’ boyfriend, being a peeping tom, being a stalker, had an illegitimate child out of wedlock from an ex, and just plain arrogant vanity (remember the ballpark scene, Superman intentionally stood at the entrance of the plane, soaking in the attention and making sure cameras had captured him perfectly before leaving?)

- Luthor is supposed to pride in himself as the “greatest criminal mastermind” yet, his schemes were a bit too idiotic. He wishes to create a Kyptonite continent which he says would be a great beachfront real estate using data crystals he stole from Superman’s Fortress of Solitude. Duh. If he wanted great real estate property, he should’ve sold those crystals and used the money to buy Boracay. He’s so dumb, he hasn’t even set up a plan if air strikes or sniper teams would try to take him out. In addition, he should’ve brought in a month-long supply of popcorn & using those data crystals, learned EVERYTHING there is to know about killing Superman, & loads of secrets more! Who knows? Maybe the info on those crystals teaches you how to make fuel out of cockroaches?

- Superman’s Fortress of Solitude is made out of alien hyper technology with NO… Absolutely… No security? Doesn’t Superman know he has enemies? How can he be so irresponsible to simply leave the place with potential Earth-destroying material out in the open? Is he retarded ?

- Superman is rendered useless and puny by a small Kryptonite, right? Lex proved that, so, how come he can still lift the entire Krypto-continent with kryptonite sticking in his face literally? Okay, its desperation, but so much of it around he cant even move, how does he manage that?

- You need an Ocean Liner to travel to the Artic circle; you're not going to get there in the mini-yacht that Luthor inherited.

- You're not walking around the artic in a triple fat goose. (The remoteness of the location and the uninhabitable temperature was part of the security system) You need specialized clothing to keep from freezing to death almost instantly.

- Underwater earthquakes cause tidal waves. Everyone who doesn't live in a cave should know that (Remember Indonesia?). How is it an Earth quake to place right up to the shores of Metropolis with no effect on the surface of the water? And minimial effect on land?

- How is it that a big-ass gattling gun can’t render the slightest damage to Superman’s suit but Lois can easily cut it up using her scissors?

- Superman is supposed to be widely popular in the world, especially in Metropolis, but it seems that the doctors at the hospital taking care of Superman are stupid enough to try to inject him, knowing he’s the Man of Steel?

The errors and the blunders of this film are a-plenty enough to be so laughable. If some of you think that this is the kind of movie that will satisfy kids, my answer is No, this movie will make your kid go fall to sleep. Some of them will cry and become headaches as they try to drag you out of the theater asking to get home. This movie tries to impress claiming that it recaptures the innocence of the early Superman movies, yet the storyline reads “Soap Opera” dealing with love triangles and an illegitimate child, as if it was desperately trying to catch up to the script-rich excellence of “Spider-Man II” Bryan Singer WAS an excellent filmmaker. Past tense. Not until he walked away from the X-Men franchise and into this cinematic failure. Superman doesn’t throw a single punch. NOT A SINGLE F*IN PUNCH in this movie. If you bring out a character with his underwear out his pants, he should at least smash something!